Play: Nobody Hears The Speakers In The Corner

An office with two desks, equipped with laptops, knick-knacks, papers, the like. KENNY (49), a large man, sits at his large desk, reading a newspaper. DAVID (27) sits at his smaller desk, tapping at his laptop. They are both dressed in suits.

DAVID
(tapping at the keyboard) I’m refreshing.

KENNY
Yeah, you’re just missing a flower in your hair. (silence) What, nothing to say? Come on, kid. You’re not worth spit in this department if you don’t have wit. (silence, then impatiently) Come on. You had to get aaaaall the votes from the other department heads to get in here, so you must have a good mouth on you.

DAVID
(pleasantly, but with a sting) If I’m silent, sir, you can assume I’m saying ‘fuck you for wasting my time’ on the inside.

KENNY
Weak. The word ‘fuck’ is a neon sign of weakness, kid. Especially in a government suit. (beat) And especially among government suits. Never use the word ‘fuck’ when you’re dealing with anyone outside this department. The suits might have put you in here, but I can kick you out just as quickly.

DAVID
I consider myself edified.

KENNY
(warningly) Crisis Policy only survives because all the suits think there’s an iron fist in the velvet glove, kid; get that in your head and get it in quick. (beat, then as David continues tapping away at the laptop) At least d/l some porn if you’re going to be messing around with that all day. (beat) ChixMix isn’t flagged yet, I think.

DAVID
The rankings should be up any moment. At least turn on your laptop.

KENNY
Why? You’re sweating enough for both of us. (beat) Look at me, kid –

DAVID
It’s up. We’re… (looking at the page, then announcing) One hundred and forty-seven. I told you! – Sir.

As Kenny walks to David’s desk –

KENNY
That’s not so bad. At least we’re on the list –

DAVID
It’d be better if we weren’t. We’re below Congo and Bhutan.

Kenny bends over and looks over David’s shoulder at the laptop screen. David is a little uncomfortable.

KENNY
We’re above Iraq.

DAVID
By one place. You got a way to spin that too, sir?

As Kenny walks back to his desk –

KENNY
I told you, kid. We got it covered. Geez. Switch to boxers.

DAVID
(with an edge) Please stop it with the gay jokes, sir. It’s not funny.

KENNY
That wasn’t a gay joke. That was an anal-retentive, briefs-wearing joke. That spin make you feel all better about yourself?

A tense beat, then –

DAVID
The Press Freedom Index ranking, sir.

Kenny gives David a brief contemptuous look, then picks up his newspaper –

KENNY
I told you, kid. It’s done. Problem solved.

DAVID
We call up the press to run a 40 cm anti-government letter in tomorrow’s broadsheet including a reminder that we have always fully supported public feedback since we spearheaded the “Talkback” initiative four years ago. Alongside, of course, a 20 cm sidebar on the ranking.

KENNY
(bored) You’re forgetting the full-page pet the dog the day after.

DAVID
Yeah, that. (P.R. voice) “The RSF index is based largely on a different media model which favors the advocacy and adversarial role of the press. Our media model is different. Our model is that of a free and responsible press whose role is to report news accurately and objectively to our citizens.” Did I get that right?

KENNY
“It’s good for the ages; just make a few changes.” That’s the memo we send to the press every year, by the way, so get on that later. (beat) And we should probably also get them to throw in the new and improved A.T. Kearney Globalization Index number, and put that Jones Lang LaSalle Survey in a sidebar.

DAVID
You don’t think somebody out there is going to think that all this has just the slightest whiff of deceit?

KENNY
“Whiff”? “Deceit”? No, I actually don’t think anyone is going to take the time to be that gay. (beat) And yes, that was a gay joke.

DAVID
(ignoring) You’re not answering the question.

Kenny puts his newspaper down impatiently.

KENNY
What do you want me to tell you, kid? It is bullshit. But if you wanna pick a fight on behalf of Crisis Policy don’t do it with the Press Freedom Index. No-one, and I mean no-one out there, in here, or (gesturing to the ceiling) up there, cares a shit. It’s the same old thing every single year, and it’s only a “crisis” because all the suits got jealous and told the ones above us that we don’t do enough work.

Kenny picks up his newspaper.

KENNY
I’m telling you. It’s aaaaall good.

DAVID
(under his breath, but clearly meant for Kenny to hear) Yeah, you got it “aaaaall” lubed up, haven’t you?

KENNY
(with a tinge of warning) You see any riots in the past few years over this, kid? Rebels storming our offices?

DAVID
No, but –

KENNY
Our economy still spiking the charts?

DAVID
That’s not –

KENNY
Then there is no problem, kid.

DAVID
I just think rebuttals slash pet the dogs aren’t gonna cut it anymore. (beat) We’ve had a really bad P.R. year – NYU’s Tisch School Of The Arts declined our offer –

KENNY
That offer was never reported in the first place.

DAVID
Warwick University publicly embarrassed us when they pulled out at the last minute –

KENNY
It’s the British, nobody cares, and I got Alise in Education to pump up U.K. grants anyway –

DAVID
The Nguyen hanging pissed off global human rights groups, the anti-death penalty camp, and the Australians –

KENNY
Mr. Nguyen was fully aware of our nation’s zero tolerance attitude towards heroin –

DAVID
D.S.T.A. debacle, bloggers jailed, walkover Presidential election –

KENNY
Defamation, sedition, disqualification. All perfectly legal –

DAVID
(angrily) Legal, legal, legal. Caning Andrew King was legal, and even I know how much ass you had to kiss after that bit of law.

KENNY
Careful, kid.

DAVID
(an effort at calmness) I’m just saying that we’ve had a really bad year for academic and press freedom. So in my opinion the Press Freedom Index is the perfect opportunity –

Kenny puts down his newspaper.

KENNY
(exasperated) Kid. You gotta plan, spill it.

DAVID
A Speakers’ Corner.

KENNY
The London one? Here?

DAVID
It’s not rewriting the Constitution. (beat) It’s good P.R. –

KENNY
(nodding) No. No, you’re right – Free Speech and everything –

DAVID
We just need to find a place –

KENNY
I know exactly where –

DAVID
Somewhere central –

KENNY
(with relish) Hong Kee Park.

Dead silence.

DAVID
That’s so far west it’s practically in Malaysia. No-one’s –

KENNY
(P.R. voice) It’ll weed out the merely above apathetic from the determinedly nationalistic –

DAVID
Okay. Okay, as long as there aren’t any O.B. markers –

KENNY
Of course. (beat) But we’ll have to be very careful about inciters –

DAVID
Sir –

KENNY
And we should probably get the speakers to register their names and topics so people don’t miss what’s going on when –

DAVID
People aren’t stupid –

KENNY
I think it’s going to be great. A watershed moment.

DAVID
(viciously) It’s going to be a joke!

KENNY
Kid. (beat) You wanna change the system?

DAVID
Yes –

KENNY
You wanna do it more easily from inside the system?

DAVID
You’re not –

KENNY
Then you’ll have to stay employed in the system, won’t you?

DAVID
That’s not right. That’s just not right.

KENNY
Kid, kid, kid. Do you really think you’re the first person to come in here all poofed up with your grand ideals –

DAVID
At least I have some ideals –

KENNY
You got even one close Malay friend, kid? (silence) You talk to Ahmed? – the handicapped elevator guy. (silence) Lisa? You might know her as the lesbian coffee girl –

DAVID
I get it –

KENNY
No. You don’t. (gently) You’re new, so you get a pass, but get smart if you wanna get things done, kid. The problem with people like you is you look at other people and you don’t see other people. You see causes. You see allies. You see danger signs in suits. But you don’t see people. And in our business it’s all about the people –

DAVID
(bursting out) People? You want to talk about “the people”? Let me tell you about “the people”, sir. “The people” I got the votes from to get here. Jenny in Communications And Technology Information likes Tiffanys, pear-cut and at least 1.4 carat. Natalie in Defense likes expensive vacations in the Caribbean. And sweet sweet Rachel in the all-important Home Affairs department likes it, rough, when her husband’s not around.

A tense beat, then –

KENNY
You forgot Robbie from Finance, Jacob from M.I.T.A., and Tony from Manpower, kid. (beat) I suppose I should be relieved that at least some department heads didn’t vote for you based on the size of your wallet, dick, or mouth. (beat) Two more lessons for your “edification”, kid: Every single suit outside this department hates every single suit inside this department, and I make it my business to know everything about every single suit in this building on any single day. (beat) And don’t expect me to feel sorry for you because Rachel’s a sadistic bitch.

Dead silence.

KENNY (CONT’D)
You make me sick, kid, but that’s not why you make me angry. You make me angry because you are all set-up, all execution, but no follow-through. You see someone who can help you, you give a little to get a little, and you think you’ve got an “ally”. There are no such things as “allies”, kid. There are only “people”. People who need to be cajoled, bullied, threatened, sweetened, and brokered with, each according to that person’s background, position in the ladder, temperament, and which side of the bed that person got out off that morning. (contemptuously) You still think fucking a vagina was the end of your problems?

A beat, then –

DAVID
You didn’t mention the dicks. (beat) Three dicks “aaaaall” lined up. Sometimes more than one at a time.

KENNY
I don’t need –

DAVID
Yes, you do. You think because I’m gay, it didn’t matter to me how many dicks I had to suck, how many dicks I had to get fucked by, and how many assholes I had to fuck in order to get inside this office. It could have been all ten male department heads and you still wouldn’t be surprised. All in a day’s work, right?

KENNY
I tabled the repeal of ‘Law 69’ –

DAVID
For who? (beat) You talk about “the people”. So let’s talk about me. Why do I have to worry that if I accidentally ‘gay it up’ in public, or worry that if some scoop-hungry journo catches me at the wrong place at the wrong time –

KENNY
Don’t be dramatic. You won’t be fired –

DAVID
I won’t get nearly enough votes when the next General Elections are called –

KENNY
If that’s the case then we’re doing the best we can under the circumstances, aren’t we?

DAVID
You’re weasling again –

KENNY
Look. We close an eye to the gays, lesbians, trannies, Malays, pros, pimps, rec druggies and a whole lotta other people because we know better. But the vast majority of people out there don’t, so we leave a few stupid laws in the Constitution to keep ‘em happy –

DAVID
We should be educating them – Your response to everything is allow people avert-your-eyes, sweep-under-the-carpet, deliberate blindness –

KENNY
And yours is to force their eyes open whether they like or not. (beat) You think you’re better than me, kid, but if you were head of Crisis Policy –

Kenny does not continue. A moment later, he laughs suddenly, a harsh sound that cuts off just as suddenly. Kenny suddenly looks very old and tired.

KENNY (CONT’D)
I know what you think of me. You think I’m a fat, foolish and frightened old man. But the more power you have, the less power you have to act… (silence, then as if remembering) Do you really think you’re the first person to come in here all poofed up with your grand ideals?… (beat, then as if being roused) Do you know what will happen if I do what you really want? It’ll be a clean sweep by tomorrow afternoon, even if the suits upstairs play it out quietly over the rest-a the year. Early retirement if you played nice over the years. Redeployment if you were harmless. If you’ve been – flagged – you get stuck spitting out ‘Dear concerned member of the public’ whities…

A beat, then –

DAVID
(unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice) I see.

KENNY
If you’re angry, kid, break something. The whole virgin deflowered thing is shit-ugly.

A long pause, then –

DAVID
(a genuine attempt, at least) I’m sorry.

KENNY
Kid. Right now this is a country that will break your heart if you care. One way or another. And if you can’t cut that then you shouldn’t be here.

A pause, then –

DAVID
(quietly) But if you no longer care then you shouldn’t be here either…

A pause, then –

DAVID (CONT’D)
Maybe change doesn’t work the way I dream it does. Maybe it’s not fiery revolution. But one word here, a few more seconds of a T.V. show there, and maybe one person every few months – if we’re lucky – starts asking a few more questions. (beat) The answers… (beat) And yes, maybe sometimes it’s about making a proposal or floating a law that you or I hate, but only because it’ll getcha a favor down the road, or because it’s so disgusting that a few people out there will go, “What the fuck is this?”.

David stops. A beat, then –

KENNY
Yeah, but you fuck with the wrong people too many times and you might never get clean.

DAVID
Somebody has to stop the revolving door. (beat) Hong Kee Park… (beat) But I want that favor down the road… Kenny.

A pause, then –

KENNY
Draw up a proposal, David, and we’ll talk.