Play: 'Fuck' Is An Easy Word

Dennis is watching T.V. Joey enters and sits. A beat.

JOEY
What are we watching?

DENNIS
Buffy.

JOEY
The vampire show?

DENNIS
Yeah.

A beat.

JOEY
I don’t think I’ve actually seen an entire episode of this before.

DENNIS
It’s great. Joss Whedon is a fucking genius. (beat) I can loan you the DVDs again if you want.

JOEY
That’s okay. I didn’t like it in ‘99 and I’m not going to like it now.

A beat.

JOEY (CONT’D)
(grimacing) Oh man. Why did he do that? Why did he have to do that? That was a perfectly good eye.

DENNIS
It’s to increase the stakes. Dramatic tension, give Buffy a stronger incentive to defeat the First Evil. It’s really well-crafted if you really think about it. (beat) But yeah. Sticking someone’s eye out is pretty gross.

JOEY
I’m glad you think so.

DENNIS
But that’s not the worst part. There was an episode –

JOEY
No, no, that’s okay. (beat) God. You need to warn me when stuff like that’s going to happen. (shudders) I should probably stick to Family Guy.

A beat.

DENNIS
I thought you were doing homework.

JOEY
I was doing homework. (beat) Physics.

DENNIS
I’m so glad I dropped that. I sucked so fucking bad at it.

JOEY
Yeah. I remember. I think you traumatized McMahon for life.

DENNIS
That’s what the fucker wrote in my yearbook. (beat, smiling) What a dickhead. Fuck him. Still got here, didn’t I?

A beat.

JOEY
You still got an A for physics though.

DENNIS
That’s because I did all the questions in the fucking RedSpot book. Twice. (beat) It’s always the same questions year after fucking year after fucking year. I could have done it with my eyes closed.

A beat.

JOEY
Yeah. College physics is a lot more interesting, though. We’re learning some pretty cool stuff.

DENNIS
Like?

JOEY
Quantum physics – that’s stuff to do with time. Space-time continuum. Um. The Banach Tarski Paradox.

DENNIS
Are you just making shit up now?

JOEY
No. I’m not. It’s all in the textbook. I can show you if you don’t believe me.

DENNIS
Uh, no, that’s okay. I believe you.

A beat.

JOEY
So what’s going on in your classes now?

DENNIS
Nothing much. Just boring shit.

JOEY
“Boring shit”? Four months ago you were like, “Yes! I got into Tisch!”, and now it’s “boring shit”?

DENNIS
We’re just doing stupid shit now. Four-page scenes, five-minute colloquiums, bits and pieces. (beat) Plus I think my classmates are all fucking morons.

JOEY
Why?

DENNIS
They’re just so fucking stupid. No. Some of them. Okay. Maybe just one. (beat) We’re supposed to write our opinions on these white cards for colloquium, and someone wrote “Yeah man! Racism Is Kool” about something I did on racial discrimination. Cool with a ‘K’. (beat) Stupid fucker. Didn’t even write his name. (beat) Or her name.

JOEY
(tactfully) Yeah, that sucks.

DENNIS
I bet nobody does that in your physics colloquiums.

JOEY
We don’t have physics colloquiums.

DENNIS
Yeah, see? You guys are smarter already. Colloquiums are stupid. (beat) Fucking stupid.

JOEY
Physics isn’t much better. It’s just a bunch of stupid numbers and equations.

DENNIS
But you like it, right?

JOEY
Well, yeah.

DENNIS
And you’re good at it. No. You’re fucking good at it. McMahon drooled all over you. It was so fucking awkward. Like a man-crush. Except creepier.

JOEY
He wasn’t that smart, actually. (beat) And I’m sure if you keep working at your scripts you’ll get better.

DENNIS
It’s not like physics. There’s no magic book I can read. (beat) If I suck at it I suck at it. And I probably do.

A beat.

JOEY
Yeah. Maybe you do.

DENNIS
Thanks.

JOEY
Yeah. Maybe you really do.

DENNIS
What’s your fucking problem, huh? Why’re you being such a fucking dickhead?

JOEY
I’m tired of you making fun of physics. Physics is not stupid. And it’s not easy. And there is no “magic book”. God!

DENNIS
Okay! I’m sorry. Physics isn’t stupid. It’s very hard stuff for very smart people.

JOEY
Oh, fuck you!

A beat.

DENNIS
I don’t want to quarrel with you, okay? I’m just trying to watch my show.

JOEY
Yeah. Sure. (beat, then almost uncontrollably) You think watching these stupid shows is going to magically improve your writing skills? Please. You suck because you’re lazy and you think it should come easy to you.

DENNIS
Shut the fuck up.

JOEY
Because everything should come easy to you, right? Straight A’s in high school, scholarship…

DENNIS
Hey, I worked for that shit, okay?

JOEY
Please –

DENNIS
I’m a fucking workhorse, grinding away –

A beat.

JOEY
Yeah. Whatever.

DENNIS
(half-angrily) I’m sorry, okay?

JOEY
No, you’re not. You’re sitting here feeling sorry for yourself, but you’re thinking that you’re still better than me because you’re not taking physics anymore. Because you’re a Dramatic Writer now. Big whee.

A beat.

DENNIS
I just don’t like the subject. I’ve told you before. Nothing to do with you personally. I fucking laugh at physics Nobel Prize-winners. Every fucking year I Google the winner and I laugh. You know that. It’s not like it’s fucking new or anything.

A beat.

JOEY
Why are you saying ‘fuck’ every other sentence? It’s not – “awesome”.

A longer beat.

DENNIS
Fuck it. I don’t know. I said ‘fuck’ once, and then I said ‘fuck’ again, and now I can’t wake up without saying ‘fuck’. It just – kinda happened. (beat) You should try it. ‘Fuck’. It’s really easy.

A beat.

JOEY
No… I’m not a ‘fuck’ kind of guy. I just look stupid. Like if I try to say ‘babe’ or ‘dude’. (beat) Or ‘chick’. Some guys just look stupid saying ‘chick’. Or ‘fuck’.

DENNIS
Yeah. (beat) I can’t say ‘babe’ or ‘dude’ too. (beat) You wanna go get a movie from Hollywood Video later? I have a lot of self-pity to wallow through, but I could squeeze in a movie. Or two. If you’re feeling rebellious.

JOEY
Yeah. Okay. (beat, then awkwardly) I’m going to go finish some homework first though.

DENNIS
Yeah. Okay. (beat) I’ll be here.

JOEY
Okay.